I am a Bouncer.
I stand at the front of bars or clubs and check the ID's of
people coming inside. Depending on the rules my boss
gives me, if someone is under 21, I either flex and turn
them away, or I flex and mark an X on their hand.
People get mad at me, when I catch them with fake ID's and
don't let them in, but it's not
 my
fault. Do you think I like marking an X on your hands?
Do you know how limiting that is to my creative juices?
I have spent many a night lying awake in my totally sweet
leopard print bed; just waiting for the day my boss says
"Okay, D-Bo, tonight instead of using an X, we're going to
draw a Unicorn.
And people think
I'm stupid, just because I'm totally fucking huge.
Well I've got news for those people; Shut up, and no I'm
not. I mean just because my biceps are the size of
toddlers, doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the science
or the arts. I mean, just yesterday, right after I was
doing some power cleans, I mixed some Stacker 2 with some
Creatine and some Ephedra, and now my lats are looking
ripped. I mean A.C. Slater right after making sweet,
sweet love to Jessie Spano ripped. And as for the
arts, I have and appreciation for music and cinema that you
would not believe. When I'm driving to work in my
Festiva, nothing puts me in the mood for checking ID's and
telling drunk sophomore girls to stop dancing on tables then
listening to some fucking Metallica. And there is no
better example I have found then Patrick Swayze's uncanny
rendition of James Dalton in Roadhouse. I mean, I
doubt that any other actor in Hollywood could have said the
line, "Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee
and he'll drop like a stone," and have it mean so much to so
many people.
People
sometimes make the mistake of thinking I'm an asshole, but
that's not true at all. It's just that I work late
into the night and sometimes, I'm tired. Sorry, if I
don't smile at you, or if I don't offer any explanation as
to why you're not getting in, even though you swear to God
you are the first blond haired blue eyed girl to ever be
named Jamal Muhamad Aziz. You try carrying around arms
this heavy all day and see if you feel like being nice at
the end of it. Besides it's just like what Patrick
Swayze says to his Bouncers in Roadhouse, "I want you to be
nice until it's time to not be nice."
Sometimes the
ungrateful punks who come to the club make fun of the way I
look, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt my feelings.
I mean, I know their just jealous of my sweet black jeans
and Adidas Superstar shoes. They totally wish they
could make a black tank top look this good, but they can't.
And sorry if I wear this big gaudy silver cross, but it has
sentimental value. It was a graduation present.
Well, actually, it was a present that I got on the day I
passed my GED High School equivalency exam, but I still wear
it with pride. Besides, you're probably just mad that
your girl eye-fucked my brains out when she saw my frosted
tips, and my sweet tattoo of a dragon choking the shit out
of Minnie Mouse. I keep my hair standing at attention
like this, because a party could break out at any second,
and I don't want to ever be underdressed.
I'm sorry if
I come across as being rude or short with anyone. It's
just that once I get five or six Red Bull and Vodkas in me,
I can get a little jumpy.
Sorry, I must
be boring you out here, when you're trying to get in a
drink. Here, let me see you ID. You're over
twenty one you say? You don't look six five.
Hmmm, Anti-Tanning? I didn't know that existed, but I
guess it explains why you don't look dark anymore.
What's your sign? Yep, story checks out there
Capricorn. Do you have a second form? Yeah, I
also go out with a wallet full of money but no credit cards
and only my old tattered driver's license. Well what's
your address? I mean, if you were able to memorize the
address written on this card, then it must be yours.
Go on in,
buddy, but just know that there is more to me than being
totally fucking jacked and acting like a douche bag to
people when they come in here. I'm a sensitive,
complex, and emotional individual, and though I may come
across as being a massive tool, I really just want to be
understood. Is that so much to ask of people?
Start any shit in there and I'll break your face.
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